Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: Just last night, my children reported me as having said, a civil war is coming.
Just like that. Like I was a harbinger of doom. My wife gently passed that along to me. And my daughter says that I point out everything while going down the road. And I point out, this is wrong and that's wrong, and that's wrong.
I don't think I do that, but apparently I do that enough.
So today I'm going to talk about the fine line between teaching our kids to discern evil and accidentally making dad is against everything our family brand.
I'm sharing how Brant Hanson's book Unoffendable is helping me to flip that script. And why I want dad is for the kingdom that our family is building to be what my girls remember.
That's today on Abraham's Wallet.
Hey, friends, welcome back to Abraham's Wallet. I'm Steve Manual here in Cincinnati. I'm joined today by my dear old friend Jeff Davenport in Colorado. Are you still in Colorado, Jeff?
[00:01:14] Speaker B: I sure am. Beautiful Colorado.
[00:01:16] Speaker A: Okay. We don't usually make Abraham's Wallet episodes about us. I hope that that we spend most of our time trying to simply react to a scripture scriptural principle. We try to give our lives as a little example for something that we're trying to understand, even if it's a financial principle. Well, here's what I'm doing with my 401k, but it's going to be more about me today than you thought.
And then is normal. But I'm having this moment in my life. I think God is speaking to me, and I think maybe it applies to some other guys out there. So if it doesn't, you'll know within 30 seconds whether it's time for you to stop and go. It doesn't apply to me, but it'll apply to some guys. So here's the thing, Jeff, and you're a great person to be bouncing the subject off of because you've known me for a minute.
So. So we have a weekly meeting, my wife and I, where we kind of review the plan, we review our goals.
I have an agenda walking through some practicalities. Here's what's happening with the money, with our schedule. Let's look at goals.
What are the needs going on in our household?
This morning I was in a meeting with my wife.
She's trying to be casual about it, but she's got a look that's going, you need to listen to me right now. And she says, did you know that our daughter says that when you are driving down the road, you just Point at everything going down the road and go, that's wrong.
That's wrong, and that's wrong.
And my daughter's comment to my wife was, I just can't live that way.
I can't walk through life and try to think of everything that's wrong with everybody and everything.
[00:03:08] Speaker B: Did you point out the irony that she was telling you that you were wrong?
[00:03:11] Speaker A: I was like, this is wrong, what you're saying to me right now.
Well, as you would imagine, at first I kind of scoffed and like, okay, that's a kid talking. I don't do that.
But then I thought to myself, I obviously do it enough that that is her present impression of me. I'm thinking, you've got a young teenage girl.
If you would like to create a scenario in which there is distance between her heart and Dad's heart, that's a pretty good one to think. Dad's down on everything. Dad's always negative. He always finds what's wrong with what, et cetera, et cetera.
Okay, cut to Jeff. You might have heard there was a recent New York City election and there was one in Colorado yesterday.
[00:04:03] Speaker B: I'm sorry, everyone.
[00:04:06] Speaker A: And my girl just finished AP US History. And so part of the deal was she had to stay up on current events because there would be bonus questions on the tests about current events. So we have been constantly. If there's any big news story, we'd tell her, you need to know about the Trump reflecting pool algae story. We gotta tell you about that because that might come up. You know, we're just constantly. We're doing that for a year.
I talked my kids through. This is a big deal. These elections happen. These people are communists. They're Marxists. They want to destroy America. That's an. That's. That's a pretty important story.
So I just talk my daughter through this story. Completely current eventsy. I think I went out of my way to go. Stephen, don't give editorial on this. Just. Just describe it for what it is.
This happened last night. This is all happening right now in my life.
Last night we were. One of my dear disciples.
Sweet family invited us over for dinner. Last night I left early to go be in a league. What kind of league, Jeff?
[00:05:18] Speaker B: More than likely soccer.
[00:05:24] Speaker A: Correct. It was pickleball.
So I leave early. Gotta go, guys. Thanks for having us over. So my family was there a little bit after me. I expected there to be some telling on dad in that space after I left. Here's what my wife reported that my daughter said, dad says a civil war is coming to America.
Okay, that was a little embarrassing.
I said. I know that. I said, some people are saying this because there's this Muslim uprising and people are saying this.
I think I'm just giving news item to the kids. That's. That got reported, and it was like, everybody's like, oh, around the place that night.
Jeff. I don't want that to be the soundtrack of my home.
I don't want my defining hallmark to my family to be dad is against.
I want it to be dad is four.
I want them to hear that all the time with me. Dad is for the kingdom.
Dad is for our family. He's for his wife and his children. He's for the kind of culture and future that God has called us into and that we're building together. It is a future not of judgment and haranguing negativism. It's a future of mercy, compassion, hope, joy, love, peace, kindness, all of these kind of things.
So I wonder if other dads feel this tension, which is, we have to help our kids see evil clearly in a dark world. And maybe we talk too much about that here. When I make cultural commentary and I go, let's talk about these pride flags you're seeing around, yeah, that's wrong. And I think our kids need to understand what's wrong about that.
But are we. And more specifically, am I spending too much air time on what's wrong and not giving enough oxygen to what I'm for?
And what does it look like to do both without provoking our kids or losing our own joy?
So that's the idea. I'm chewing on this. And it's very funny that the stuff that's being that. I'm telling you, reporting in the last 24 hours in my world comes right on the heels of a book that I'm reading that I want to recommend to everybody. But before I go into it, you've known me for half a minute. Jeff, what are your thoughts on what I'm reporting that's coming out of my family?
[00:08:01] Speaker B: Well, two things. So let me catch the people who are like, yeah, Stephen told me I may not want this episode, so maybe I'm tuning out. I would say, everyone, hang on, hang on.
Because I think if we, the gentle listeners out there, myself included, if we're at all in line with this Abrahamic thinking, we have a natural bend at looking at the culture and going, ugh, can you believe it? No, thanks. No, thanks. You're not listening to this show if you don't have that bend.
[00:08:36] Speaker A: Right.
[00:08:37] Speaker B: So you're If. If you're listening to this right now,
[00:08:39] Speaker A: you're an upstream family. Right. If you're listening.
[00:08:42] Speaker B: So, dad, you probably have some amount of bend in you towards this, some more than others, but you're going to have this bend. So I would say, even if you are, right away are like, gosh, I don't think I'm at Steven's level.
That's okay.
On a long enough timeline, unchecked, we all will be. That's just where we're going to go. So that's my first thing, the second thing, and I want to take it to a higher meta level. But before we go into the actual topic, please, boy, if your wife or your family comes along and goes, can I just articulate back what we're seeing?
How many of most of us go now, hang on. You don't understand. You don't know my world. You don't know. I'm part of the rear guard. I'm supposed to be da, da, da, da, da.
And I get some of that. I think some of that is appropriate. They may not get everything that I'm choosing. Chewing on humility says God. God is speaking through them to me, probably.
Now you're gonna have to suss it out with your pals. You're kind of doing that here.
[00:09:52] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:09:53] Speaker B: You know, let's say your family goes, you're so militant about, you know, sin.
Okay, well, let me go talk to my friends about that. And they're like, actually, you're holding on to a line there that just not. Isn't popular. Okay, great. I feel okay about it.
[00:10:09] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:10:09] Speaker B: But I think when we close it off and go, no, no, no, no, no. I am the only one who understands how this is all coming off. That's a bad sign.
I don't know if it was Michael o'. Shield. I don't know who it was who said this, but it stuck with me.
There are some things God won't tell you personally. He'll only tell you through other people.
[00:10:25] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:26] Speaker B: And I've always loved that. And there are many times that what my wife says to me about how I'm coming across, especially towards my children.
[00:10:34] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:10:35] Speaker B: My pride goes up and goes, no, no, no. I'm just. I'm just trying to hang on, pal. Like, listen, listen. So I think there is a very good lesson right there.
[00:10:47] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:10:48] Speaker B: And I'll add to it. There's a idea of the amygdala hijack. Daniel Goleman talks about this in his book Emotional Intelligence. When we get triggered by Something like that. And we want to respond right away. That's a bad sign that that's usually not the Lord going, you know what? You should say something back right now.
[00:11:05] Speaker A: Yeah.
Defend yourself immediately.
[00:11:08] Speaker B: Defend yourself.
There is such godliness in space between a stimulus and a response.
There is almost always.
There's space for God to come in when there's stimulus and response. So when we're corrected, I think that's kind of what you're saying and you're sussing out, is this the right direction? When you're corrected, watch yourself, lest you respond right away. Go away, spend some time with the Lord, chew on it, bring it to pals that space is going to allow God to speak. God rarely speaks through you. And that immediate response, yeah, that's great.
Let's go back to the topic at hand.
[00:11:53] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:55] Speaker B: If you're asking me, Jeff, do you see this in me?
[00:12:03] Speaker A: Knock yourself out.
[00:12:04] Speaker B: Go ahead.
[00:12:05] Speaker A: You can answer that question.
[00:12:07] Speaker B: Yes.
But I also see it in me and I see it in others. And my first thought is empathy.
Empathy in terms. Maybe empathy isn't the right word. But I think of it like, yeah, we have a terrible world. We're surrounded by terribleness.
[00:12:26] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:12:27] Speaker B: And there aren't a lot of voices going, that movie's weird. This message is crazy. That billboard makes no sense.
Why did they put the apostrophe there like all of those?
[00:12:39] Speaker A: Yes.
Our wives particularly can be a good temperature gauge on, like, here's how you're coming across. This is the reed in the room.
And my children specifically are 14 and 16. So they're at an age where they're making commentary about the parenting.
And I'll tell you later what I'm gonna do, but just to give more fodder for the canon, just last week, our dear mutual friend David Sheldon said, I'm listening to this book, Stephen, and I want you to read it. Cause he's always. I know he does this with you as well.
We're so much alike. I just think we're alike. We're alike on the inside. Okay. We are. Yeah. He and I are both alike in some ways.
So the book is called Unoffendable by a guy named Brandt Hansen. And Brandt Hansen, just to advertise the book, he's a very personable guy. He's been a morning show, like a Christian morning show radio guy forever and ever.
So he's very affable. He's kind of got a great style. He's self deprecating, he's funny and just very conversational in his Style. Very easy book to read.
The subtitle of Unoffendable is How Just One Change Can make all of Life Better.
So the idea of this book is we can choose to be unoffendable.
Being offended and especially staying offended is a choice that we make. It's not an automatic, nor is it a righteous response.
And in fact, he argues that what we call righteous anger is actually self righteousness wearing a spiritual disguise.
He's quick to say that this doesn't mean that we ignore sin or injustice. We still call evil evil, we still seek justice, but we do it without clutching our pearls or holding on to personal offense. Like it's our job to be mad on God's behalf.
So that's a very good concept for me, particularly when I see something that other people are missing, if I might say so. There are things that, you know, Jeff, that I find distasteful in modern Christian culture.
And I don't know how many people see it. So I feel like it's my job to run around ringing an alarm.
Everybody's got to notice this. And if you don't notice this thing, you're missing God or something.
And he just describes how common this feeling is among Christians that we need to like, be the private eyes who discover all of the bad things and then it's our job to be miffed about them and then walk around pointing at them like Sophie Cunningham.
So I'm listening to this book. There was a line that really stopped me. This is directly from the book. Choosing to be unoffendable or relinquishing my right to anger.
That's really good. Regarding forgiveness and all sorts of things. Relinquishing my right to anger. He says elsewhere in the book. Relinquishing my right to vengeance of any kind does not mean accepting injustice. It means actively seeking justice and loving mercy while waiting humbly with God.
And that means remembering that I am not him.
So he goes out of his way in like chapter 12, I believe, to say that we are supposed to do justice. And nowhere in the Bible does it say that that can be motivated with anger.
So what we call righteous anger.
Find it for me. That's his point. Find it for me in the Bible.
[00:16:26] Speaker B: Well, I think wouldn't anybody point to Jesus in the whip?
[00:16:31] Speaker A: Yes. Now that. Yes. Okay, we're getting into something that is very specific that David Sheldon and I talked about, which is, I know, David, that I am supposed to have an eye out for the things that directly impinge upon the worship of God Almighty.
I'm supposed to have an eye out for those things and they are supposed to grieve me. I think I would go on a limb and say that Jesus being miffed about what was happening in the temple was more personal for him than it was for me.
But I think that his indignation there was about the purity of the temple of God. Now Jeff, between you and I, I like to think that all of my problems with megachurch world and all this, Stu, that's about me wanting to protect the purity of the name of God. And so therefore I can get all upset about them. There's no getting around the verse of James 1:19.
Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
For remember this. Here's a maxim of Life from James 1:20.
The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God cannot. If you start with man's anger, you do not finish with God's righteousness. That is regarding.
If you want to see me get upset, show me Oreos with a pride flag on them or Kellogg's Cornflakes with a pride flag on it. I won't lose my self control, but I will probably vocalize my opinions of such things.
[00:18:19] Speaker B: And you won't eat more than three of them at max.
[00:18:24] Speaker A: That's how I show. I'll not be told what to do by these things I'm boycotting. Yeah, yeah, that's right.
[00:18:32] Speaker B: Anything beyond three.
[00:18:33] Speaker A: Only eating a few.
[00:18:35] Speaker B: Can I. Can I drop in on this real quick? Because something I've been chewing on lately. When people have something happen to them, I'm gonna paint in broad strokes that harmful thing that hurt. Whatever it is, we either respond with anger or sadness.
So let's say someone does something to me and it hurts me more than likely.
My orientation is I go towards sad.
I get introspective and sad. I know people though, who when something happens to them, their response is primarily anger. Yeah, I do wonder if there's a difference between, ah, see those pride flag Oreos and man, that makes me sad. Like it makes me sad about our culture. It makes me sad about how people have walked away from God.
[00:19:30] Speaker A: That seems to be a little grievous. Sin is grievous. I like that word.
[00:19:35] Speaker B: I do too. You said that and I wrote that down. There is, there is grief to it.
If our daughters, we both have daughters, did something bad, I mean, it's probably going to make us angry. But isn't the better response or even the more productive response, sadness that comes to them is like, man, I'm just sad that you hurt yourself that way. I'm sad you hurt God that way.
I mean, yes, it's going to lead to. There's got to be repercussions.
I don't know. Thoughts?
[00:20:07] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, I. I think this speaks to. That.
He, he. I think this is chapter 11. Not that it matters, but he goes into a list. He said, let's just do a Bible search for anger.
Let me just describe to you how the Bible describes anger. He must list 15, 20 verses where he goes, it's described as hot fire.
It's described as burning. It's described as bubbling.
It's described as a balled up fist.
It's described as something that creates torment and travail inside of you.
[00:20:47] Speaker B: It's described in. Paul says we always quote this verse without really putting the context there. He talks about, don't give the enemy a foothold.
Well, he's saying what the foothold is, is anger.
[00:21:02] Speaker A: Wow.
I didn't set this up to be an illustration, but it does strike me, Jeff, have you noticed my forehead's a little shinier than usual?
[00:21:12] Speaker B: I just thought that was your makeup.
[00:21:14] Speaker A: But have you noticed any moving shadows behind me?
[00:21:17] Speaker B: I have, yes.
[00:21:18] Speaker A: Have you noticed any sounds of cars going by?
[00:21:22] Speaker B: I see the shadows. That's about it.
[00:21:24] Speaker A: That's because when I came in this morning, the AC was out. It had burned out over the night, overnight. In our little family office here, we're recording this on July 1, it's the hottest day of the year in Cincinnati. It's 95 degrees right outside that window, but it's 88 degrees where I'm sitting.
So here I am in the middle of this heat. I'm not kidding. If you walk into my car and you press play on my audible, I'm listening to this chapter of Brant Hanson's Unoffendable where he's talking about, anger makes the environment hot around you.
Do you want your family to be in an environment where they feel things are hot?
I feel repentant. That's all I can say. I feel grieved and contrite that.
Not that I. I speak out about sin or that I educate my children to know what's wrong. They really need to know that to navigate the world.
It's that the temperature in my house, the flavor of my family, of me to my family, presently, presently. It doesn't mean that this is the way I am or it's the way I've been for 10 years.
If I sliced right now, what does my family's feel on how I Lead, but like there's some kind of judgmentally negative anger sauce there. I don't feel that, Jeff. I don't.
I'm not angry. I don't feel. I don't feel angry. I should say. I don't feel that. I drive down the street going, who's that guy? Why would he wear that clothes?
But that's the commentary that I'm giving. And I. I'm accidentally putting off an aroma in my household that I do not want. And it saddens me to hear it, but at the same time it kind of excites me. I always.
This didn't come natural to me. I've been following Jesus as hard as I knew how to since age 16, 17. I'm just trying to learn. And one thing that I've learned now that I didn't know in my 20s is that when God starts correcting you on anything, it's a good day.
I didn't know that at age 20. I felt really scared when I felt like God was correcting me about something because I felt like maybe he's going to throw me out of the club.
I've upset him and I don't know what's going to happen.
And I don't feel that way anymore. I feel an invitation from him when he corrects me.
Let me just give a little ad for this.
Hebrews 12 says that God corrects his sons that he loves and he wants to shape them up into the place of the good life. He wants the good life for us. And when we harbor something in our character that is out of line, if he didn't love us, he would let it go, fine, I don't care what happens to you.
But he says, oh, Stephen, I've got a plan for you and for your downline that's so precious to me. I can't let you miss this one thing.
And you know, it might have been present a year ago, and he was fine with it a year ago, but he's addressing it right now.
And so the fact that he is addressing it, I need to have the reflex you're describing, which is, oh, Daddy has something to say to me. It's not prime. I don't primarily have the feeling of him being angry with me. I primarily have the feeling that there's something better on the other side of this that I haven't seen yet.
And I feel like when God corrects us, I feel that he gives us a gift wrapped box and I don't know what's in it, but the only way to get into it is to show, shed this old thing, to repent of this thing that he's putting his finger on and going, lord, I have unaware and accidentally given a bad account of what your man looks like.
It's not what your man looks like. If Jesus had been in my position, raising my kids, they wouldn't say, he's just pointing out bad stuff all the time.
Let me go back to the book. He says something very practical, which is that Jesus wasn't shocked by sin.
He saw more of it than you and I ever do.
He saw it in his disciples. He saw sin in them all the time. He knew impurity around him. That was in the culture. And he wasn't driven away by it. And he was moved toward broken people with truth and grace. He didn't clutch his pearls. And he wasn't constantly saying what was wrong with everybody.
So I am a dad who's trying to raise daughters who love Jesus, who aren't cynical, who aren't crushed by the world, and who don't spend every waking minute thinking about what the Supreme Court's doing.
You know?
[00:26:33] Speaker B: Yeah. So let's think about what's the consequence in your daughters, particularly if you don't change this.
[00:26:43] Speaker A: Great point.
[00:26:44] Speaker B: I think there's two things, and both of your. One daughter could go one way. One could go. The other one is, well, I'm picking it up from dad now. I'm that angry person and I'm teaching everyone else, look at it. And I think the other response is going so far the other way. Well, my dad just said everything was wrong and there could be a tendency to move in the other direction, which is, no, no, no. I'm over correcting here and everything's fine. Like, why do we have to be negative about everything?
[00:27:18] Speaker A: That gives me chills.
[00:27:19] Speaker B: Yeah, neither's good. Yeah, that second one, the first one, you at least got a little holiness back behind it.
The second one is tough. I do think this thought comes to mind. Yes. You can talk about negative things. We all can. But I also know about you.
When you see really positive things, you're very vocal about it. So I think I love movies. Went to film school. People will accuse me of going, you don't like any movies.
[00:27:50] Speaker A: Right.
[00:27:51] Speaker B: And I always go, no, no, no, you don't understand. The movies I love, I love a hundred times more than you love your movies.
[00:27:58] Speaker A: Yes, yes.
[00:27:59] Speaker B: Now, granted, the terrible movies, I hate them more than you hate them.
[00:28:03] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:28:04] Speaker B: I don't know that that's good.
But if I didn't Ever talk about the positive movies? Sure, that would make sense. I'm just a grump about movies.
[00:28:13] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:28:14] Speaker B: I know that when you see a godly person doing something amazing or church going, hitting it out of the park, you are vocal about that.
[00:28:23] Speaker A: Yes, yes. And I'll say again, I'm not here to say dads don't ever criticize culture. I think that's very important.
Very important. Because I think it gives your family tools for dealing with the culture where they otherwise don't know.
How are we supposed to think about this? What do we think? And yes, you brought up the example of movies, Jeff. If we got Amazon prime video, when I click through those, do you think I have more negative than positive things to say? Give me a break. Of course I do.
But the point is I'm now receiving enough. And you also know this about me. It doesn't bother me that someone would say, oh, you're so negative about what you don't like. I don't care. I think I'm trying to represent God's truth. That's fine. You can think what you want. That's not where I am right now.
I'm getting a pulse check from my family that the general flavor of the season, and maybe this has only been a month long. I don't know how long they would say that this has been going on, but the general flavor is negativity.
I need to hear that. And that doesn't mean that I'll never speak out against sin again.
It just means right now I am over indexing on negativity.
Here's a verse that I've never thought about in this context. Brandt Hanson doesn't even bring it up in the book, but I thought about it for our conversation today. Have you ever heard this verse before?
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the lord. That's Ephesians 6:4.
So constant negativity, absolutely, as you described, could provoke your children to anger or worse, have them tune you out.
[00:30:15] Speaker B: You know, you're responding to a Christian culture that for too long has gone well. Yeah, we'll watch House of Dragonfire, and, you know, we'll do it. Hey, it's fine. Like, we'll be fine and whatever.
Don't be all religious.
And you're responding to that.
[00:30:36] Speaker A: And I think those responses have to be clean and strong.
[00:30:40] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:30:41] Speaker A: It's the constant IV drip of Dad's scowl that we cannot have.
[00:30:49] Speaker B: Okay, so I want to talk about two things I want to hear from you. Two things, and they're related.
What's the antidote? Is it volume? Is it adjusting the number, the quantity? Or is it adjusting how you say it? And the second question, going to this macro level, I think you're giving us a little case study in repentance here.
How do you talk to your wife about this after you've collected thoughts from other people? She's the one. It could have been Sheldon. It could have been anybody who came to you with a. Watch it, pal.
How do you respond to her?
What does that conversation ideally look like?
[00:31:30] Speaker A: Well, this morning when she made this report to me, she kind of. It's kind of the thing where she kind of reports it and then does this thing at you or kind of rolls her face down.
[00:31:42] Speaker B: She's not gonna make eye contact. Cause she's just gotta get it all out. And then what do you think of that?
[00:31:46] Speaker A: And then she squares up going, are you awake this morning?
And I said. All I said this morning was, I hear you.
I'm going to consider that. I didn't say I've been listening to Unoffendable.
I said, I take that seriously. I'm going to think through that.
So it's not. Oh, honey, you have a criticism. Well, gosh, I'll change it. Whatever it is it was. I'm really going to take that on board.
And I. I wanted to talk about what my plan is to throw by you and the listeners. If anybody has a thought, speak up right now.
My plan is, when we sit down at dinner tonight, I'm going to tell them some version of this story that I'm telling you right now.
[00:32:34] Speaker B: Them, your wife and your daughters.
[00:32:36] Speaker A: Yep. I'm going to give those. I'm going to quote the Civil War thing and the thing about negativity down the road. And I know that my daughter's going to go like, oh, we didn't mean to. We've been outed. And I'm going to go, no, no, no. I really think God is speaking to me. And I'm going to mention the book.
And I'm going to say, it grieves me to think that your feeling about your father is that he's a bag of offenses. And that if anybody crosses his path, he's ready to throw one of them out at any point.
And, you know, this is an age, Jeff, these teenage years, when they're being introduced to new friends, new subcultures among friends and among families. And, you know, she took us to her tennis club today, so we kind of saw that scene. And, oh, yeah, the tennis club. Yeah, I bet a bunch of rich snobs there. I bet that's what that is.
Well, yeah, I mean, but then we went to the coffee shop with a couple of her friends. Oh, I bet they're all wearing pajamas and flip flops, huh? Is that what the kids like?
If you need negative opinions, I could roll them out. I mean, they're in there.
But I just. I think what I'm going to tell my family is I'm just sorry for that flavor.
I think of my dad and the joy.
I mean, he would shrug his shoulders at some political stuff. Those people, I don't know what is wrong with them. Anyways, so do we have some hot sauce? Got some salsa? Salsa and chips. Oh, boy.
Oyster stew.
Oyster stew. And I just think of this sort of joy and fun and life that we felt. And one thing I wanted to say on this topic is we are the advertisement to our families about whether the life that God calls people to is the good life or is the burdensome life. So if my daughters look at me and they say he represents what a Christian is, do I think that it's the good life, the full life, the healthy life?
They could say on a bad day, get me on a bad day. And they could say, geez, the Christian life is just about looking down your nose at everything.
I don't think I'm really interested. That doesn't sound very good.
I feel the godly pressure of knowing that I am the model for my children. My wife is as well. But I'm their primary model of whether the Christian life is worth living.
And I'm just going to say to them, I just want everybody to know. And I'm thinking about my timeframe for this. Maybe it's through the end of the summer.
I am going to dramatically change the number of things that I vocally criticize or poo poo.
I don't care what it is. I'm just going to do it a whole lot less. I mean, if it's having a sugary breakfast or it's dressing in a way that I think is immodest, just all of that stuff. I just want everybody to know I'm turning that way down and I'm doing this transparently in front of you. And if you find that I am violating this vow, I invite everybody to speak up. I declare, starting tonight, this is going to be the summer of positivity around our house.
So that's what I plan on doing tonight.
What do you think?
[00:36:15] Speaker B: Love it.
This is a clinic that you're putting on. By the way, that got me the idea. Are you an advertisement for the kingdom being good and pleasant and tasty?
[00:36:31] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:36:32] Speaker B: Were you an advertisement for the kingdom being burdensome? And I'm realizing I've my advertisement to my family. Like, I don't know, that it's been great. And I'll throw in this little note. Binet, this little parenthetical watch that you don't fall into the trap of.
My wife is the positive one. There. There is always something in marriage that will naturally kind of go, well. That's their role. My role is a little more of this.
And that's not a healthy thing. Like, my wife is naturally very positive. That doesn't mean that my role should be the negative guy.
It means I can be positive, too. Doesn't mean I'm not pointing out negative things.
The other thing is, I know you will be good at this, but I would warn anybody who makes a declaration like, hey, everyone, I want you to know I'm gonna change here.
You are real. I'm not saying this to you because.
[00:37:27] Speaker A: No, no, it's true.
[00:37:29] Speaker B: I think it's true of anyone.
You are really putting the stakes high.
[00:37:35] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:37:36] Speaker B: Because if you don't follow through on this, you have said, I'm giving you my word. I heard heard this recently, and it has so stuck with me. Enthusiasm is proven by repetition.
Enthusiasm is so. It is. Words cost you nothing.
They don't cost a dime.
But proving it is what matters. And I think you're also exhibiting a characteristic of God when you say, I'm headed in this direction.
Watch me. A, stick with it. B, continue to be correctable.
[00:38:13] Speaker A: Yes. Our kids are watching. And they're not just hearing our words. They're catching our tone, our default posture, what we celebrate and what we grieve.
And if the dominant note in our home is everything is terrible and getting worse. Did you hear what happened on the news today? They might intellectually agree with us on some issues, but they won't want the life we're offering.
And I want my girls to know what we're for. We are four homes filled with the loving, beautiful presence of God in real worship and real Sabbath rest and real laughter and real hospitality. We are for multi generational blessing instead of isolation.
We're for telling the truth in love, not trying to score points with somebody or win debates. We're for building something beautiful that outlasts the latest election cycle or any cultural meltdown. We're for the kingdom that is coming, the one where Swords get beaten into plowshares. We just read Micah 4 this past week and it's awesome. And Isaiah 32, I think this is from Isaiah 32, where swords get beaten into plowshares and every wrong thing gets made right. That's the story I want them living inside of.
So it doesn't mean that we never talk about hard things. It means that we change the ratio I'm going to. And the tone.
So when we're driving and something ugly comes up on a billboard or in conversation, yes, we can name those things.
I feel the onus on me today. I must immediately pivot. You know what I love about how our family does things? You know what I love about the Kingdom of God? And I'm thinking in my mind it's the opposite of that.
We want our home to be a place where. And then you describe the good thing after a news conversation that could easily slide into despair. Oh, look what the Muslims are doing. We close the loop with hope.
We pray. Guys, this is why we live differently. This is why mom and dad are trying to build something that lasts. And we audit our own speech. I'm literally doing this right now. I'm going to be asking my wife and my kids to help catch me when I slip up into this default this is wrong mode without the here's what we're for follow through.
So I'm going to keep teaching discernment. I'm going to work harder at painting the beautiful alternative we with more color and joy and regularity than I paint the problems.
If you're a dad listening and this hits home at all, you are not alone. The outrage machine is loud. It's what your whole feed is based on is being outraged. And it's easy to get pulled in. We don't want to live there. I encourage you. I do recommend the book Unoffendable by Brant Hanson.
Read it with your wife, talk about it with your kids. Let it recalibrate how you speak about the world in front of the next generation, and then start small. This week, every time you feel the urge to point out what's wrong, ask yourself, have I given an equal or greater airtime this week to what we're for?
Because, my dear friends, the world is broken, and we don't pretend otherwise. But we're not orphans. We're sons and daughters of the king who is making all things new.
Our job as fathers is not to raise kids who are good at spotting everything that's wrong.
Our job is to raise kids who know what's know what right looks like because they've seen it and they've tasted it and they lived it in their own home. I want my girls to remember a father who was with them. He was for truth and beauty in the kingdom and who pointed at the good at least as often as he pointed at the broken. So thanks for listening to Steve's therapy hour today. If this encouraged you, share it with another dad, leave a review and be on Unoffendable. Not because nothing matters, but because the one who matters most has already won.
So I'm Stephen for Abraham's Wallet. Thank you for your time, Jeff from from lovely Colorado. And I bless you all to run your home and your dough like a biblical BO.
